


Visitations of the Heart

by DebSarcasticPlight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Alcoholic Dean Winchester, Alternate Universe, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Dean Winchester, Destiel - Freeform, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Drunk Dean Winchester, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Single Parent Castiel (Supernatural), Stoner Dean Winchester, Stoner Garth Fitzgerald IV, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-01-12 10:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18444296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DebSarcasticPlight/pseuds/DebSarcasticPlight
Summary: When Castiel first met Dean it felt like love at first sight. But now years into their supposed wedded bliss, Dean's past vices and demons are bubbling back to the surface of his could be apple pie life...





	1. Chapter 1

“John! Emma! Time to get going…?” Cas called out into the dark house, he was tired and somewhat flustered having rushed home from work to pick up his kids. Almost immediately the hallway was filled the sound of scuffling feet as Emma appeared. Her hair was messy and she had a big smile on her face.

“Shoes Emma!” Cas sighed, patting her on the head gently.

“Princess shoes??” Emma asked, a mischievous smile crossing her face as she batted her long eyelashes.

“I dunno, we don’t usually wear dress-up clothing out of the house? And it is supposed to rain this evening…” Cas answered.

“You gotta remember to pick your battles with her Dad.” John inserted having quietly appeared in the hallway, his eyes were dark when Cas met them and his arms crossed over his chest. Even at the young age of twelve, John’s posture mirrored Dean's stance almost identically. Cas quickly glanced at his watch, they were dangerously close to being late.

“Ok, Emma! Just this once!” Cas hummed at the little girl her big green eyes sparkled happily back at him.

***

It started to rain as Cas pulled the Impala into the parking lot of The Burger Palace Diner. He glanced back at his kids in the backseat. Emma was quietly narrating a happy story to herself while her tiny fingers drew it out in the precipitation gathered on her window. She seemed mostly oblivious to the recent family drama, having surprisingly just accepted the news that Daddy wouldn’t be living at home for a while… John was taking the separation harder though and Cas worried that he was pulling away and into himself. Gazing at him, Cas realized that John looked tired and a bit dazed. He was wearing chunky headphones and blasting rock and roll music that Cas could hear enough in the front seat as though it were coming directly from the radio.

“We’re here!” Cas announced finally.

“Yay! I can’t wait to see Daddy!” Emma sang.

Cas could see John’s jaw tense as the reality of the visit sank in.

“Cellphone for John!” Cas smiled and handed the cheap phone to his son.

“I will call you if anything happens, and text you when we are done.“ John mumbled accepting the device numbly while nodding.

“And—?” Cas asked abruptly

“And I won’t let him take us anywhere and I will look out for Emma!”

“Okay, and don’t forget to have fun” Cas tried to say this as optimistically and upbeat as possible while waving the children out of the car.  
Cas watched as John and Emma held hands and departed together into the Diner. He tried to smile at John’s bravery, maybe they were all beginning to get the hang of this, maybe his kids would be ok? Cas lingered in the parking lot for a beat thinking before driving away.

***

One Month Earlier

Cas was jolted awake, he glanced at the bedside clock which read 2:00 AM. He reached a hand out to the other side of the bed. It was empty, where was Dean? Suddenly he realized that the phone was ringing, scrambling Cas searched for his cell phone finally laying hands on it atop of the dresser, but looking down he did not recognize the incoming number.

“Mr. Winchester!? Is this Castiel Winchester?” A woman on the other end of the phone asked with high notes of tension in her voice.

“Yes, this is he,” Cas answered.

“ I am a nurse at Lawrence Memorial Hospital, I have a Dean Winchester in the emergency room here, he said we should call you at this number?”

Cas heart raced and he sat down on the bed having been overcome with a wave of dizziness.

“Mr. Winchester, are you still there?” The nurse asked into the phone.

“Y-yes, I’m here. Is he, is Dean ok?” Cas asked amidst a lump quickly forming in his throat.

“He has a concussion, and is still severely inebriated but we have been treating him with fluids and he seems to have stabilized. We would like to keep him overnight though just to be sure. A taxi dropped him off at the ER around midnight after he became unresponsive in their back seat.” The nurse reported very matter of factly.

“Thank you for calling to let me know,” Cas replied, his voice almost in a whisper and hung up the phone.

Cas sat in the dark on his side of the bed for a moment letting the realization of his circumstances wash over him. After almost 12 months of sobriety, individual and marriage counseling, Cas had convinced himself everything was going to be okay again and that he and Dean could really live ‘Happily Ever After’ and now this. THIS AGAIN. Cas knew he could not go through it all over again; the kids were old enough this time that they would notice Dean’s drinking, his unreliability, and his mood swings. Cas was angry and his heart ached into his chest; he still loved Dean so very much and could empathize with the troubled traumatizing life that Dean had been dealt, but… This time, Cas also knew that he would have to follow through on his promise to himself, his previous ultimatum to his husband. If Dean was drinking again, he would no longer be welcome in their home.

***

At 8:15 PM, Cas returned to the diner to collect his kids, he was fifteen minutes early and surprised to see both John and Emma standing outside the restaurant waiting as he pulled up. As the kids hurried to get into the impala, Cas noticed Dean smoking off to the side from where the children had been. Cas felt his face flush a bit as their eyes briefly connected. Dean nodded at Cas, acknowledging the children’s return; He then extinguished his cigarette and quickly disappeared out of sight. Cas’s heart sank, and he let out a deep sigh before turning to refocus his attention on his children.

“Did everybody have a good dinner?” Cas asked.

“Yes, yes, yes, yeeesssss!” Emma sang back at him.

“ Umm, Emma wouldn’t eat her burger so Dad just let her eat french fries and drink coke instead…” John said quietly.

Cas paused, his back muscles tensing up, he took a deep breath. “Well I guess that explains why someone is all sugared up then!” he answered  
while making eye contact with Emma.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Emma began to chant.

“How about you, John?” Cas asked his son looking back at him.

“Meh, it was ok. He seems ok, I mean.” John answered eventually.

“Daddy says he’s gonna get a puppy and then we can come to visit him at his house and play with it!” Emma blurted out suddenly.  
Cas fought the urge to roll his eyes in front of his children, CLASSIC DEAN, though, making all sorts of promises without necessarily thinking them all the way through.

“We will have to see about that Em, it might involve a bit more planning then our weekly visits,” Cas said slowly while still trying to smile.

“Puppies are a lot of work too, what does your Uncle Sam say about it?” Cas asked while eyeing John.

“I, Uh, I don’t think Dad is living with Uncle Sam anymore…” John replied slowly with a shrug.

Cas furrowed his brow at this news and without catching himself this time. Where else would Dean stay if not at Sam’s? It wasn’t as though he had many friends around town and besides Cas, Sam was pretty much his only family. Cas began to tense up again, his muscles coiling up and around his body until there was a noticeable shift of achiness coursing throughout his neck and shoulders. Cas tried to ignore the pain but also the thoughts tugging at the back of his mind; Could Dean maybe be sleeping with somebody else? Maybe he had felt so abandoned by Cas in the separation that he had moved on to someone else? Cas shuddered the thoughts as he pulled into the driveway. He would just have to go and talk to Sam because Dean’s younger brother knew him better than anyone and he would know what was up? Sam would know what to do, right?


	2. Chapter 2

Garbage trucks’ breaks shrieking, the smell of rancid cat food and hard cold pavement. This is what greeted Dean Winchester as he began to stir into wakefulness on this day.

“Where the hell am I?” He asked aloud as he pushed his body into a sitting position a bit too quickly. He covered his eyes with his hands as violent waves of nausea and dizziness hit his system simultaneously. Groggily, he forced his eyes open and looked around, realizing that he was at Hillcrest Park right next to the little playground and his children’s elementary school. Aside from the suddenly familiar surroundings, Dean was at a complete loss as to how he managed to end up here of all places. He tried to think back to the day before, his mouth tasted like whiskey and vomit and his head was pounding.

Carefully he reached for his phone and was surprised to find that the screen was completely smashed in also the battery was dead. Next Dean reached for his wallet, but it was gone? His backpack? Yep, it was gone too.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Dean yelled angrily stomping his feet on the cement. A nearby soccer mom walking a tiny dog glared in his general direction and quickened her pace.

Eventually, Dean managed to get to his feet. He glanced over at the Elementary School, noticing no cars in the parking lot he figured that it must be the weekend?

***

Walking slowly, Dean managed to navigate his way from the park back to Sam’s house. As he approached the front door, feelings of anxiety swirled through him and his body tensed instinctually. Something, had happened and he didn't know what? It was on the tip of his tongue but not quite within his minds reach just yet. He staggered to the front door, but before he could knock or ring the bell Sam answered.

“Jesus Dean, You look like shit!” Sam criticized not withholding a look of complete disgust.

“Rough night!” Dean answered.

“So what now? What do you want?” Sam quipped.

“I dunno Sammy, a hot shower would be a nice start…” As Dean reached for the door handle, Sam suddenly took a step back.

“What’s wrong Sam?” Dean asked observing the obvious change in Sam’s posture.

“Like you don’t remember?” Sam answered bitterly.

There was a long and awkward pause, both brothers were looking at each other and neither one speaking. Dean’s breath hitched in his throat.

“I… I don’t remember. I don’t remember anything about last night, Sam.” Dean mumbled softly, shaking his head while looking down at his feet and then back up at Sam.

He could feel tears pricking behind his eyes, and a sudden undertow of sadness washing through his body. Sam took a long deep breath, he looked over at his brother, his hero, the man who had practically raised him. He knew that Dean really needed him right now, or at least needed something right now.

“Ok, ok, come on in” He answered slowly and opened the door.

***

When Dean had finished showering and was beginning to feel more like himself, he finally emerged from the downstairs bathroom. He quickly changed into a pair of sweatpants and an old Led Zeppelin T-shirt. As he walked back upstair towards the kitchen he paused, hearing Sam arguing with someone on the phone.

“Yes, yes, I know what we talked about Jess. No! You don’t understand, I think he must’ve blacked out or something!? I’m really worried about him… Yeah I know, I know I don’t want to enable him either… Maybe, I could try to talk to him some more? Yeah, no, I know. I will, ok I promise… I love you too.”

Moments after Sam had stopped speaking, Dean strolled into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water.

“Dean?” Sam addressed him calmly but didn’t look up.

“Yeah, Sam?”, Dean looked over at his younger brother and was greeted by Sam’s big sympathetic puppy eyes. Sam sat down at the kitchen table and gestured for Dean to do the same. So Dean sat also.

“You can’t stay here anymore. The drinking, your alcoholism, it is all just, just completely out of control…” Sam kept talking, but the words hit Dean in the chest like full-on blows threatening to knock him down on to the floor.

“I will help you find a program, maybe you could try AA?” Sam stopped speaking and looked over at his brother realizing Dean’s expression was almost completely blank.

“Yeah, I get it Sam. I know I’m a lost cause… First Cas and umm… Now you.” Dean mumbled more to himself than actually speaking to Sam.

The next thing Dean knew, Sam was in his face looking straight through him almost.

“I want to help you more than anything. You’ve quit drinking before, you were sober for years before Emma was born and you could do it again if you would just try!? But I can’t let you stay here and destroy yourself, I can’t watch it anymore it's just too painful!” Sam pleaded, tears running down his face.

Dean paused and actually thought about the words coming out of Sam’s mouth. Maybe he could try again, maybe could even make it for another year or two before he just fucked it all up again? No! He knew he was becoming a burden on Sam and that he knew that was the worst thing.

“Ok Sammy,” Dean choked

“…I’ll get out of here then! Can I just pack some stuff up and charge up my phone?”

Sam stared for a long time at his brother, trying desperately to hold back any more tears.

“Yeah, uh, sure thing Dean.” Sam nodded, stood up and began to back away. The reality of it all was finally sinking in, Sam was completely powerless in this. If Dean didn’t want to change for himself, there was nothing anybody else could ever do.


	3. Chapter 3

“Uncle Sam! Aunt Jess!” Emma announced as Sam stepped through the threshold of the tiny house.

“Why hello there, Birthday Girl!” Sam mused, picking Emma up and in one movement sweeping her off her feet, spinning her around and returning her to the floor.

“It’s not really my birthday today…” She winked her big green eyes in her Uncles’ direction.

“My Birthday is on Tuesday, but Tuesday is a school day, and Daddy said more people would be able to come and celebrate on a Saturday party than on a Tuesday party. And since more people is more fun and means more presents…” Emma rambled on happily.

“Like, this one?” Sam asked, thrusting a large box wrapped in pink with glittery ribbons into his niece’s hands. For a split second, Emma was speechless.

“Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!” Emma kissed Sam on the cheek and skipped off into the house with the present.

“Thank you for coming Sam, Jess...” Cas said anxiously, reaching out his hand to shake Sam’s.

“Cas,” Sam said ignoring the hand and instead closing the space between himself and Cas, pulling him into a big hug.

“We’ll always be family, no matter what always!” Sam smiled at Cas, trying to reassure him.

“You don’t know how good that is to hear Sam, it really means a lot.” Cas smiled back.

“Did Dad come with you Uncle Sam?” John asked quietly slipping into the conversation. An awkward and too long pause followed.

“Nope, not with me today bud. But I’m sure he’ll be here on his own. Dean’s not one to miss out on a party!” Sam glanced at Cas who shrugged nervously. John’s face fell and he nodded slowly, then turned quickly on his heels and retreated into the house.

 

***

 

John dimmed the dining room lights as Cas stepped out of the kitchen holding a large chocolate sheet cake that was illuminated with seven chunky pink candles.

“Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Dear—“ The singing was cut off suddenly by a loud knock at the front door.

“EM-MA! Happy Birthday to YOU!” Cas tried to continue singing without giving away his own jumpiness. While Emma blew out the candles on her cake, he cautiously made his way to answer the front door. Cas’s heart sank when he opened the door to greet a glassy-eyed Dean.

“Sssorry, I’m late Cas-tiel” Dean slurred.

“Have you been drinking!?” Cas whisper-yelled as subtly as possible.

“No! ...Not a lot, not reall-lly!” Dean’s grin widened as spoke.

“Dad!” John cheered, coming up behind Cas and pushing open the door.

“John-John!” Dean sang while pushing the door open all the way, walking past Cas and into the home.

“It’s just John Dad!” the boy huffed, trying to hide his smile.

“Daddy! Daddy! I knew you would come! Do you want some cake?” Emma ran at Dean throwing her arms around his middle and causing him to falter backward a bit.

“Yeah, Cake! Always Princess!” Dean winked at Cas and smiled as Emma lead him back into the dining room. She shooed away some kids so Dean could sit down and presented him with a huge piece of cake and a spork. Then she stared intently, waiting for him to eat. Dean looked between the chocolate cake, the little pink plate & spork, and Emma. He hadn’t really eaten anything solid today, opting instead for Irish coffee followed up by orange juice flavored vodka… he paused briefly before taking a large bite of sickly sweet cake and nodding.

“De-lish-ous! Thank You, Princess!” Dean stated his mouth full. The sugary cake burned in at his throat a little, and he would have gladly stopped eating after appeasing Emma, but then he saw Sam approaching him from the far corner of the room. Anxiety hit him and the room spun a little, so Dean chose instead to shovel the cake into his mouth a quickly as possible. His throat was dry as he wolfed down each bite, finishing the last of it simultaneously to Sam’s arrival.

“Dean,” Sam said politely, placing his hand on his brother's shoulder.

“Sammy…” Dean giggled a little while shrugging away at Sam’s hand. But then his eyes caught Sam’s, and the volume of unspoken grief and pity that lived there was simply too much to bear. Guilt radiated out of Dean’s chest into his stomach and was swiftly met with a wave of birthday cake flavored nausea. Dean jumped to his feet, retreating his home while racing the onslaught of vomit burning its way up into his mouth. Once outside in the front yard, he made it as far as the flowerbed before letting everything go onto the unsuspecting daffodils which he had planted there with Cas only one year earlier.

Both Emma and John ran towards the front door following after Dean but were promptly stopped by Cas.

“What’s wrong with Dad?” John asked, slowly looking between Cas and Sam, worry creeping into all of his features at once.

“I think that, uh, he must still be sick!” Sam shot a quick look at Cas whose brows were knitted in concern.

“Daddy’s sick?” Emma asked sadly looking up at Sam.

“Just a little tummy bug Em, I’ll uh, go out and see if he’s ok!” Sam announced trying to smile at his niece and nephew. Cas shook his head in agreement as he ushered the children back to the party. Sam returned fifteen minutes later grasping a thick pink envelope from Dean which he handed off to Cas.

“He uh, took off. He’s still pretty messed up.” Sam said quietly his voice thick with disappointment.

“He’s not staying with you and Jess anymore? John mentioned something…” Cas asked already knowing the response. Sam shook his head sadly and looked at his feet.

“ We spoke with some colleagues, Jess and I, we would have covered rehab Cas… But, he’s too damn stubborn and…” Sam trailed off.

“I know... I know how he is Sam.” Cas nodded, reaching an arm around Sam’s broad shoulders and squeezing.


	4. Chapter 4

Later on, when the party was over, dishes and wrapping had been cleaned away and the kids had gone to bed, Cas pulled out Dean’s pink envelope for further inspection. Despite it being addressed to Emma Cas ripped the paper away all the same. A goofy eyed cat wished a “Happy Birthday” on thick card stock and played said tune when cracked opened. Inside of the card two crisp $100 dollar bills and a smudged "Love, Daddy" signature. Kind of a lot of money for a seven-year-old Cas thought, and yet not quite what had been agreed upon for child support between them.

Cas sighed deeply and wondered if he was still doing the right thing. He had always figured that the act of separation would finally get Dean’s attention once and for all and force him back into sobriety. So, the thought that Dean would ever willfully choose alcohol over his own children or his life with Castiel hadn’t ever occurred to him at all. Cas had always maintained the faith that Dean would figure things out somehow, and eventually be ok. They had known each other since 10th grade and Cas knew that at his core self, Dean was filled up with ferocity, loyalty, and strength. These had once been the qualities that had once drawn them together so intimately close in the first place.

But something had shifted between them in recent years, raw and painful memories had surfaced inside Dean along with John’s birth and life had then only intensified when Emma came along a couple of years later. Insomnia brought on from late-night infant-feedings had never really subsided for Dean, instead, Cas finding a passed out Dean on the living room couch became their new normal. When Dean did fall asleep in their bed he suffered violent nightmares usually waking Cas and sometimes even John up with his screams. This behavior ebbed some as John grew older, but never entirely went away.

Cas became increasingly worried for Dean and started pushing for him to try talk therapy; But Dean refused every time it came up and together they began a cycle of arguing and pouting with each other more often than not. Dean started working at the Garage later and later into the evening, returning home even more distant and disconnected from his young family, additionally, missing out on pretty much all of John’s “Firsts”.

***

Cas only began to really suspect that Dean’s drinking had relapsed after returning home from a quick grocery store trip when John was about four. Upon entering their house, Cas was met with blood-curdling screams and the sight of Dean trying to apply frozen peas to a squirming, bleeding John curled up on the kitchen floor.

“Oh my god! What happened?” Cas whimpered, dropping his shopping bags and rushing to John’s side.

“He fell out of the treehouse in the back yard. I only left him for a second, I swear Cas!” Dean replied, his voice was shaky and tears were streaming down his cheeks.

“Ok, it's ok, accidents happen Dean.” Cas soothed.

Together they scooped up John and headed off to the emergency room. At the check-in when asked for his insurance card, Cas realized he didn’t have his wallet on his person and rushed back out to the Impala. Frantically checking under the seats he finally found his wallet tightly wedged near the rear passenger side door. Cas also about a dozen Whiskey and Vodka empties in various sizes, along with many more aluminum beer cans hidden beneath the front seat.

John Winchester II was extremely lucky that day, he had fallen about five feet to hit the ground but walked away with only some minor bruising, cuts and scrapes. Dean, on the other hand, had been severely rattled by the experience overall, and when Cas went back to Baby to check for bottles a week or so later he was relieved to find none. Things between Cas and Dean seemed to improve shortly thereafter. Cas thought Dean was really trying at long last; Dean started coming home in time for dinner, playing with John and actually sleeping at night. Similarly, Cas started to be able to relax around his partner once more. When Dean asked Cas about his day Dean really seemed interested again; Sometimes after family meals, he would help Cas wash dishes by resting his head on Cas's shoulder and slipping his hands past Cas's waist and into the warm soapy water. Cas became once more filled with hope thus let slide all his talk of a therapeutic intervention.

***

And then, Emma came too early; Lisa, their surrogate called Dean in a panic at 34 weeks. She was already at the hospital, her water had broken and the contractions were coming fast and furiously. Dean put down the phone, his head was suddenly abuzz with altogether too much information and fear. They had all just been in to see the OBYN a week ago and had been assured that everything with the pregnancy was fine. Without pause, he reached for the inside pocket of his shirt, pulled out a small flask and knocked back the whiskey into his mouth; When the burn of the alcohol subsided he took a deep breath and then called Cas.

When they got to the hospital, they were informed that Lisa had been whisked away to surgery and baby Emma was already in the NICU. Dean felt like he was walking through concrete as he followed behind Cas to the elevator to meet his daughter. He knew that it was just too soon, babies don’t survive when they were born this early, what was the point of meeting her even if she would be gone soon… Dean was startled out of his terrible thoughts to a nurse loudly tapping on the glass entrance to the NICU.

Cas and Dean were given disposable scrubs to wear over their clothing and lead to an incubator with a friendly pink sign announcing “Welcome Baby Winchester” on it. Inside lay tiny Emma at only five pounds and no ounces, she was attached to all sorts of IV’s and wires and even a miniature cannula for helping her breath.

“Would you like to say ‘Hello”?” the Nurse asked, smiling at both Cas and Dean.

Cas nodded for both of them, but Dean was still wary. The Nurse pulled up two chairs on either side of the incubator and then proceeded to talk to Cas. Dean zoned out her words only being able to focus on rapid movements of breath circulating through Emma’s chest.

“Dean?” Cas asked as he reached out to pull him closer to the incubator.

“They think that Emma is going to be ok because she’s only moderately preterm.” Cas was smiling again and squeezed Dean’s hand while reaching with his other into the incubator and gently stroking baby Emma.

“Somebody had to pick up John at Kindergarten!” Dean announced dropping Cas’s hand and fleeing the hospital entirely. Back in the driver’s seat of the Impala Dean felt his body go shaky and tears began to blur his vision. He once again reached for the flask, unscrewing the lid but realizing that it was empty. He glanced at the car stereo clock, he still had three whole hours before he had to actually pick up John at school. So Dean drove straight home, even running a couple of red lights along the way; Once inside his house, he headed for the basement steps and the section of the space that was devoted to all things laundry. He then reached up into the highest cupboard, behind all the bottles of detergent and fabric softeners and pulled out a mostly full bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Again, without pause Dean knocked the liquid back chugging directly from the bottle.

***

Cas was overwhelmed with happiness to the point of tears.

“Though she be but little, she is FIERCE!” He whispered to his daughter, placing his index finger into her small hand. Emma’s grip was strong and Cas knew with full confidence that she was a fighter and that she would indeed survive.

“We just got a delivery of breast milk from the milk bank, would you like to help us feed your daughter Mr. Winchester?” The Nurse asked politely.

“I would love too!” Cas murmured

The Nurse then proceeded to explain that Emma might not be up for eating so much and may be too sleepy to suckle from a bottle, which could result in her needing a feeding tube instead. He was cautioned not to get too frustrated if this was the case and assured that all other signs and tests that had been run pointed to a very healthy premie. Then without much more talk, the bundle of Emma was thrust carefully into arms. Cas positioned her as close to sitting up as he could and slipped the teeny bottle of warm milk between her lips just as he had done for John not so long ago, and just like that, she sucked down the entire thing.

***

“Dean, John I’m home…” Cas called as he walked into the cold house.

“Daddy!” John ran at Cas hugging onto him tightly and burying his face.

“Daddy? Is Baby Emma gonna die?” Cas looked down to see fear swimming in John's eyes.

“No! Not at all, didn’t Dad tell you?” Cas hugged John back and walked further into the house. The TV was blaring cartoons in the living room but the lights were off.

“Daddy’s not feeling good and he fell asleep! But he got us pizza for dinner!” John proclaimed excitedly.

“Oh! That sounds yummy! John-John, how about you go upstairs and get ready for bed and then I’ll come tell you all about your brand new sister?” Cas tried to sound as upbeat as he could trying to avoid a pre-bedtime meltdown.

“Awesome!” John rejoiced and bounded up the stairs to his room.

“Dean?” Cas called out cautiously, he walked into the living room, turning on the lights and off the tv. Dean was snoring steadily, sound asleep on the couch. Cas sighed and covered him up with a blanket, all tuckered out he thought to himself. Then he turned to collect the pizza box off the coffee table but first tripped over the empty bottle of Jack Daniel swiftly knocking it over.


	5. Chapter 5

A friend of a friend of Dean’s co-worker happened to have a room available to rent on the cheap. The whole thing had just fallen into Dean’s lap almost like magic, having only just discussed his recent separation from Cas with his friend Benny the day before Sam kicked him out. Dean had very low expectations for housing at this point, really only needing a bed, a bathroom and mini-fridge at most his figured. But he wasn’t quite sure what to think when he followed up on the vacant room offer only to end up standing outside of Garth’s House of Glass.

Dean double checked and triple checked the address on his phone again. Yep, this was definitely the place? After walking around the perimeter of the building a bit, he realized that the only apparent entrance was through the head shop. Upon opening the door, Dean's senses were overwhelmed by the thick scent of patchouli incense. Inside he was then greeted by the sight of pretty much every shape, size and color of pipe, hookah, and bong, one could imagine.

At the back of the store, behind the cash register stood a scrawny scruffy faced man, reading what looked like the funny pages out of the local newspaper and giggling to himself. He did not look up until Dean had been standing and waiting right in front of him for several minutes.

“I’m uh, here about the room…?” Dean inquired

“Oh! Yesss! Your Jean? Dave? …Dan!” The guy questioned as he struggled to grasp at names.

“Uh…Dean?” Dean replied slowly.

“Ok, okay Dean. Hmm, I thought you’d be taller… Anyways, I’m Garth.” Garth stated and then proceeded to stare blankly at Dean while saying absolutely nothing.

“So, uh, the room for rent...?” Dean hinted at while trying to catch Garth’s bleary-eyed gaze.

“Yes! Mi casa es su casa, but rent and utilities will be $300 a month due on the first!” Garth snapped back into reality like a switch had been flipped.

Dean thought to himself for a moment, this hippie stoner guy was weird and there was no way Cas would let the kids visit Dean anywhere near a head shop. But… the price was good, and he didn’t really have any other prospects lined up soo.

“Well, yeah I’ll take it then! Where do I sign?” Dean reached out to shake Garth’s hand but was instead met with a fist bump.

 

***

 

By the end of the next day, Dean was entirely moved into his new space. The medium-sized two-bedroom was located directly above the artisanal glass shoppe and had a decent sized kitchen and living room. Garth had compiled quite the collection of gaming consoles, controllers, games, and movies to compliment his relatively large screened tv. Besides the gaming setup, there wasn’t too much other furniture in the apartment, however, but Dean was happy enough to discover that there was already a full-sized futon that came with his room.

Unpacking his stuff hadn’t taken Dean too long as he no longer had all that much of it. Clothing, some pictures, his busted up phone; It was actually pretty depressing that most of the contents of his life could now be fit into a single box. He looked down at his watch and thought to himself its ‘Happy Hour, then he grabbed his coat, locked up the apartment and headed downstairs to Garth’s store.

“Hey, are there any good bars around here that you might recommend by any chance?” Dean asked upon noticing Garth.

“I dunno, I don’t really Al-co-hol much, kinda messes with my viiibe… But if you wait for a moment for me to close up I may, have something a bit better for us to partake of?” As he spoke, Garth raised his eyebrows up and attempted to wink slyly at Dean.

“Ummm…” Dean trailed off while wanting to shake his head. He felt conflicted; On the one hand, it was pretty obvious that Garth was inviting Dean to smoke pot with him; While he didn’t want to come off as being rude to his new roommate no less, smoking up had never really appealed him. Secondly, and as much as he did not want to admit it to himself yet, Dean was really craving a beer or something harder right now.

Garth closed out the register quickly, flipped the ‘open’ sign to ‘closed’ in the front window and locked the exterior door.

“Deano, Mi Amigo!” Garth sang goofily,

At that moment Dean figured, what the hell? He could do this one thing quickly with his new friend and probably still hit up a liquor store later for additional supplies.

 

***

 

After stopping off at the apartment to collect an unnecessarily sketchy looking shoebox from the kitchen, Garth lead Dean up to a rooftop deck. It was early evening and the sky was clear, but Dean thought could see darker, probably rain clouds off in the distance.

Garth, methodically set up his paraphernalia on a nearby picnic table before selecting a petite hand blown glass pipe. that was adorned with a smiling purple frog in a circle of daisies. Hastily Garth packed the bowl from the contents of an additional modest-sized plastic baggie; Dean watched closely as Garth ignited the contents, covered one finger over a small hole at the base of the pipe before inhaling a long deep hit and then exhaling slowly without coughing.

“Oh! Where are my manners at? Sheesh!” Garth giggled noticing Dean and passing him the pipe.

Dean warily accepted the pipe and lighter before mirroring Garth’s actions; He inhaled deeply and attempted to hold the smoke in his lungs like Garth had but instead gave in to a fit of coughing. This was both embarrassing and reminded Dean of every bad movie about high school ever. Garth smiled sheepishly at Dean before preparing to take another hit.

Dean took a deep breath before realizing a new kind of awareness that begun to trickle through his mind. He felt lighter somehow, the usual tension that lived in his neck and shoulders seemed to be melting away. The heaviness and stress that had been steadily building up inside his chest for weeks since all the family drama had begun… Was gone now? A few more, bigger, slower hits off Garth’s pipe and Dean could feel the beginning of a genuine smile flicking across his lips, he thought hard but couldn’t remember that last time he’d felt this… Happy?


	6. Chapter 6

Life just kept happening to Dean Winchester; Though admittedly the seeming intensity of it all had more to do with the fact that he was living alone and single for the first time in forever. Sure his roommate Garth was around for company, conversation and such; But this new existence of his was an intimidating reminder of all the intimate little details he had only just recently lost.

An upside? His business was now his own; There were no more worried glanced or puppy dog eyes, nobody to telling him he was too drunk and should go to bed or reminding him that he really needed to eat… Nobody picking through his trash while making unhelpful, condescending comments about how many empty bottles it contained. Sometimes, Garth would smoke him out and then they would stay up way too late together playing video games and eating loads of greasy junk food.

The obvious downside being that Dean was well on his way to becoming what he considered as a very high functioning alcoholic. The evidence spoke for itself because he was never not buzzed, drunk, high or some combination thereof anymore; Yet still, he was able to get up for and work when he had to. Granted the effort to maintain this constant state of detachment and substance abuse was requiring a good amount of creativity on his part; Little things like always having his flask full and on his person and remembering to alternate between bottled water and a water bottle of vodka… Amazingly, when he didn’t have to worry about paying for stuff like food, gas or car insurance it left a sizable chunk of extra cash in his wallet which he could then use exclusively for booze.

***

And then he got into it, at work, over some stupid comment Benny had made. He couldn’t even really remember the context of what had been said that he'd found so damn infuriating that he thusly came to blows with his co-worker? Bobby hadn’t made any effort to listen to his side of things either. Dean just got dragged into his bosses office and lectured to death about how his workmanship had been slipping a long time now; And that Bobby had tried to make exceptions knowing full well what was playing out on Dean’s home front with Cas. Enough was enough though and Bobby had to draw the line at acts of workplace violence. Lastly, if Dean could take a week and dry out some for his own sake, that Bobby could be forgiving and get him back on to the work schedule.

Fucking wonderful turn of events, Dean mused to himself and then promptly found the nearest bar. Though he’d built up quite the tolerance, Dean still found himself being unfairly cut off by the bartender at shot #6. He looked at his watch and smiled, it was only 4 pm so plenty of time to go home and finish the party in the peace and quiet of his own room. Unfortunately for all of Dean’s efforts to drink himself into oblivion, he managed to completely overlook the fact that today was Wednesday and he had promised Cas to meet the kids at Pizza Arcade for their weekly visit.

***

Emma squeezed her hand in Cas’s and walked on tiptoe taking slow intentional steps. John had shrugged away his father’s hand when offered it, so instead Cas rested his firmly on John’s back as they crossed through the dark parking lot.

Today, they were definitely late, Cas thought about blaming it on traffic and the road raged grandma who had just cut him off… But if he was honest with himself, he knew that he’d hesitated more, not wanting to see Dean because of the pain he could taste in the back of his throat even when only glancing his husband from afar.

“Where’s Daddy?” Emma asked, bouncing now.

Cas looked around the restaurant, scanning the counter, the tables that modest-sized video arcade. No Dean.

“Where does Dad usually meet you guys John?” Cas asked. John shrugged big and dramatically.  
Cas pulled out his phone and flipped through it. No calls or texts from Dean. He paused, it was late and the kids were already hungry.

“Why don’t you go up and order a half cheese pizza and nothing too spicy!” Cas handed John a twenty. When the kids were far enough away, Cas called Dean. They hadn’t spoken since Emma’s Birthday Party, instead of planning out visits and other life details by text.

The phone rang and rang and Dean’s voicemail picked up. Cas hung up, he spotted the kids, still at the counter, Emma holding both of John's hands now and trying to dance with him. Still no sign of Dean anywhere in the restaurant. Where was he? Cas was beginning to get worried. He knew that buses could be late sometimes, but enough time had passed since the whole DUI incident that Dean should have figured the route schedules out by now, right?

Tentatively, Cas called Dean again. This time leaving a somewhat scathing voice message, then he headed over to sit with his children. His wild, funny, wonderful children who deserved better than this BS from Dean.

Everyday Cas found something new to love about his kids, Emma had just hit a growth spurt and was growing out of everything, but instead of going to the mall to pick out new clothing she had found a children’s consignment sale nearby and begged to go. Explaining to Cas that reused clothing wouldn’t be the same as what everyone at school was already wearing, that she would look unique and that it was basically recycling.

John had gotten really interested in picking up Dean’s guitar lately. At first, Cas was saddened that Dean wasn’t there to show him how to play the instrument, But then he marveled at his son’s ingenuity to find many how-to videos online. And when Cas heard John play for the first time, the music flowed naturally and not awkward or forced. John was quite the virtuoso, and Dean was missing all of it.

***

“Hey Beautiful” Dean Slurred

“Dean!? Do you know what time it is?” Cas mumbled annoyently.

“Didn’t think you’d pick up…” Dean trailed off, he had been drunk and then stoned, playing video games with Garth when he’d realized just how much of a fuck-up he was. He’d missed his visit with his kids, noticing the voicemail from Cas when he looked at his phone but decided instead that calling Cas the middle of the night was a much better idea.

“Are you ‘ok’ Dean?” Cas said plainly trying to mask his concern.

“Not really, nooope.” Dean was spiraling and he knew it now. Months back when it had just his word over some cops and some busted up tree he had been angry. A DUI, a concussion and Castiel showing up at the ER with a suitcase then dropping him off at Sam’s had left him pissed off and blaming everyone else. Losing his job, even though Bobby had suggested that it wasn’t permanent; But why would anybody rehire a loser drunk like him?

“Please don’t cry, this is all hard enough.” Cas whimpered trying to keep himself calm.  
“I’m sssorry Cas, I’m so so sorry.” Dean sobbed.

“We missed you tonight, the kids did.” Cas tried to redirect the conversation.

“I miss, you, Cas!” Then there was a low moaning noise on the other end of the phone followed immediately by louder deeper sobbing.

“Where are you right now Dean? Can you get yourself into bed soon?” Cas soothed

“Yeah, I can do that,” Dean whispered shakily, trying to wipe at the tears still running down his cheeks.

“Good, try to sleep some Dean,” Cas said with a sigh and then hung up.

‘I love you Cas.’ Dean thought as he allowed his body to fall back onto the futon and be overtaken by sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Cas looked over at John sitting in the passenger seat of the Impala, God, was he the spitting image of Dean he thought. Saturday mornings Emma had a dance lesson and Cas had gotten in the habit of dropping her off first and then taking John out for breakfast or some other small outing, just the two of them.

“So where to next? Waffle house? Diner? Oh, we haven’t been to the Farmers Market in a while…?” Cas asked giddily.

John didn’t reply, he was focused on something outside of his window. Cas had noticed that he was unusually quiet today, somewhat pensive.

“Is Dad an Alcoholic?” John finally asked with a big sigh.

Cas straightened himself awkwardly in the driver's seat. The question although totally valid had caught Cas completely off guard, he had wanted to put off this conversation for as long as possible (maybe even include Dean in it when he was sober).

“What brings this up?” Cas asked quietly, trying to deflect the question some but also workout John’s thought process.

“We talked about substance abuse and saying ‘no’ at school yesterday… And some of it reminded me of Dad, and it would explain a lot, like why you kicked him out.” John looked straight at Cas with big questioning eyes. Cas bit his lip and took a deep breath. John wasn’t a little kid anymore, and Cas didn’t want to lie to him.

“I didn’t kick Dad out, we are taking a break, grownups do that sometimes… But yes, I believe that your father is an alcoholic.” Cas said at last.

John was quiet after that and Cas drove them to the Waffle House in an effort to lighten the mood.

“Does Uncle Sam know?” John said finally when they had arrived.

Cas shook his head yes and tried to reach a hand over to comfort John.

“Your Grandfather, he was like that too because Alcoholism is a disease that sometimes runs in families. So, when Dad started having problems with drinking Uncle Sam recognized it pretty quickly.”

“So if Dad is sick, why can’t you just make him better?” John asked at last, anger taking root in the undertone of his voice.

“It is not something you or I have any control over, all we can do is love Dad and hope that he will decide to take care of himself.”

“But, what if he can’t take care of it himself? I know he was drunk at Emma’s party and he didn’t even bother showing up to Pizza Arcade! And…” John trailed off and crossed his arms. Cas could see him sorting through his memories for more evidence again his father.

Cas sighed, he had thought that he was doing a better job parenting than this. But he also knew John was smart, and empathetic and always noticed the little details in things.

“I worry about him too, b-but it is up to him, it's all up to him… If there was a magic wand that I could wave and make Dad all better, I would do it in a heartbeat.”

John bit his lip, tears forming in his eyes and suddenly he scooted over towards Cas leaning his head on his shoulder.

“I hate that Dad can’t take care of himself, that he hasn’t even tried…” John whispered. Cas wrapped him up into a big hug like when he was small and nodded.

 

***

 

Dean spent the whole weekend miserably. He was trying every day to cut back on his drinking, but then giving in at the first signs of withdrawal. He knew enough not to go cold turkey, he had tried that once back in college and it had ended poorly with hallucinations, a small seizure, and having to take a semester off for rehab.

He thought of Sam’s offer to help him, but if rehab had worked before then he wouldn’t be in his current predicament now, would he? So Dean decided he would just cut back some. Only drink enough to maintain himself and stave off detox, he stocked up on beer and mini vodka bottles and decided to try again.

By the following Monday, Dean was managing himself; Beers in the morning when he woke up, beers with lunch and Vodka to help him sleep. He had to keep on his schedule though or he would start getting shaky tremors in his hands, and his thoughts would threaten to pull him down into hating himself even more. So Dean was beyond thrilled when he got a text from Cas offering a do-over at Pizza Arcade. Now he had a goal to work toward, motivation to keep him on his drinking schedule and not allow himself to give in to getting too drunk.

 

***

 

“I’m not going!” John yelled as Cas plated his and Emma’s Breakfast.  
Cas was torn between respecting John’s feelings and not wanting to create any more drama than there already was.

“If he doesn’t want to take care of himself enough so that he can take care of Emma and me… Then I don’t want to see him at all!” John was trembling as he spoke, it was breaking Cas’s heart.

“Ok. John. I’ll work it out. You don’t have to go tonight.”


	8. Chapter 8

“So what kind of Pizza are we gonna get” Sam mused while looking back at Emma.

“Daddy likes meat pizza’s,” Emma said sticking her tongue out as she spoke.

“What about one with veggies?” Sam asked

“Ewww! That's even worse! How about just plain cheese?” Emma moaned.

Sam had to laugh at her dramatics, 'the apple doesn’t fall too far’ he thought to himself.

“A ride my lady?” Sam offered after opening her door.

“Definitely!” Emma agreed as Sam hoisted her up onto his shoulders.

***

Dean felt uncontrollably nervous as he waited at a table for his kids to show up. Usually, by now, he had consumed at least a beer or two, but drinking during a visit was completely out of bounds and he knew it. He felt sweat forming on the back of his neck and threatening to slick over his entire body. There was also a twitchiness in his fingers just begging to travel upwards, into his hands, arms, shoulders.

“Daddy! You made it!” Emma sang joyfully as she pulled Dean into a hug.

Breaking away from the tender embrace, Dean looked around to find John but instead took in the sight of Sam standing over them.

“There was, uh, a change of plans… John is back at home with Cas.” Sam said with a shrug as Dean frowned.

“John is mad at you. He says, that your an Owl-kull-nah-holic! But don’t worry!” She flashed her big green eyes at him as she continued,

“I told him that he was being an idiot! I mean, your not even a bird!” Emma snapped, before grabbing Dean by the wrists and tugging at him until he was standing.

Dean’s mouth went completely dry as Emma let released him and scampered off to get in line.

“How?” Was all he could muster saying, a wave of embarrassment was crashing up out of his stomach.

“Nobody told him... Cas says he just figured it out. He is a smart kid Dean.” Sam answered with a quick shrug and then breaking the moment, walked away to order them dinner.

***

Their visit passed in record time, Sam had treated them all to pizza and a pitcher of soda. Dean didn’t really feel like eating anything but faked it as best he could while making small talk with Emma and Sam.

By the time Emma wanted to explore the video arcade, Dean had given in and let Sam take the lead; Also his hands were really starting to shake now and he figured he would be terrible playing at any game. He also knew Sam was taking note of his behavior, though Sam had said nothing to Dean directly. Worry tensed through all of Sam’s features, his concerns were obvious to even the most casual onlooker Dean thought.

Dean watched Emma intently and marveled as she flitted through the arcade basked in green and red light. He had never expected she would grow up to be so smart and sarcastic and beautiful; She really was, she had his eyes and Mary’s smile…

Dean had never really expected that she would get to grow up at all. Looking back, Dean could remember how terrified he was when she had been born. How skeptical-no scared, he had been when the hospital had said that she was ready to come home. How many nights he sat and watched her sleeping while she was a baby. He had almost entirely convinced himself for quite some time there, that if he wasn’t around to see Emma breathing, that this most vital action would most definitely cease.

“Napkin?” Sam asked gruffly forcing the paper into his hand. Dean sighed before realizing the tears tracing down his cheeks.

“ Sam, I, uh…” Dean sniffled and the violently wiped his face with the sleeve of his flannel.

“Yeah, but, I gotta get her home, school-night.” Sam patted Dean half-heartedly on the back and then went off to wrangle Emma into her jacket.

‘Fuck’, Dean thought with a shiver, ‘I’m gonna have to find a bar.’


	9. Chapter 9

“Heya Cassss!” Dean Slurred

It was 3 am on Thursday morning, Cas was bundled up in his blue bathrobe and bleary-eyed as he tried to make sense of the scene unfolding outside hi front door.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas grumbled angrily as he carefully stepped over the threshold and onto the front porch.

“Cass-tiel” Dean whispered through a wide smile, before stepping forward, then stumbling into Cas and pressing their lips together.

Having been caught completely off guard by the sudden action, Cas kissed Dean back for a moment. Then tasting his whiskey ridden mouth Cas snapped back to reality and pushed Dean away. Dean fell backward, only just catching himself before going off the porch completely.

“You, can’t be here Dean,” Cas said firmly, biting back tears.

“I only just convinced John to see you next visit, and it took a lot. He can’t see you drunk again, I won’t allow it.” Cas made direct eye contact with Dean while speaking but wasn’t completely sure that any of his words were sinking in.

“Ssss-sorry, sso sorry!” Dean slurred his voice heavy with sadness and hints of regret, he turned away suddenly lost his footing and fell down the front stairs.

Cas was by his side immediately but Dean was out cold and he was bleeding.

***

As Dean awoke, he sensed he was in the hospital. It was too bright and everything smelled like disinfectant. Reaching up to cover his face, Dean found that his head and hands were bandaged and that he had an IV in one arm, also and much to his dismay Sam was there.

Catching his gaze, Sam sighed loudly. ‘Is this finally rock bottom?’ Sam thought to himself, shaking his head but not yet speaking.

“Sam.” Dean quietly acknowledged looking away.

“Do you remember anything about last night?” Sam asked eventually.

Dean tried to think in reverse, he remembered the guilt and disappointment of not getting to visit with his son. He remembered, having to go into the bar because he has tossed his flask and he was shaking so badly. He remembered the petite redheaded bartender who kept bringing him shots and flirting with him awkwardly even though he had tried to explain that he was married.

Sam shook his head sadly, taking Dean’s lake of response as proof of another blackout.

“Cas called me, you uh, you fell off his porch and broke your leg…” Sam informed him.

Dean followed Sam’s stare to the new cast adorning his left leg,

’Shit!’ Dean thought to himself.

“They did a bunch of tests and stuff, your blood alcohol was 0.30 % that's Alcohol poisoning Dean! You are lucky you only broke your leg…” Sam’s voice was getting angrier as he spoke.

“They also said, that you, you have uh, have the beginning signs of liver disease! And that, if, you can’t…” Sam’s voice trailed off anger shifting into fear as Sam tried not to cry.

“If you, can’t stop, drinking. Then, uh... then your probably gonna die, Dean… Just. Like. Dad.” Sam’s voiced trembled, catching hard on those last three words.

“Sammy, I HAVE been trying to cut back. I have been trying, I have been.” Dean pleaded.

Sam looked at Dean sadly, ‘If this is you trying…’ he thought to himself.

“I don’t know why I’m so fucked up Sam? I'm just, so, so, so weak? And I know it now.” Dean said looking away, tears falling faster now.

“Oh god… I don’t wanna be like Dad. ” He sobbed.

“So, Don’t be.” Sam urged, reaching out to grab Dean’s hand.

“The hospital has a detox clinic, I will support you if you try…” Sam trailed off as Dean began vigorously shaking his head.

“Rehab doesn’t work for me Sam, we’ve been through this.” Dean’s voice had turned hard and Sam knew he was getting ready to give up on himself.

“It's not rehab! Just detox! A safe way for you to sober up, not like last time. Please, Dean. I know you can do this. You are so much stronger than you think.” Sam stood up and wrapped his arms tightly around his brother.

“Okay Sammy, I can try,” Dean uttered at last despite not quite believing it himself.

***

Dean felt twitchy. He was almost a week into detox and while the overall shittiness of withdrawal had mostly subsided, Dean could do nothing to distract himself from his ever-present thoughts of wanting to drink again. Ironically, he was actually taking more medication these days than he ever had been in his entire life; Benzodiazepines had come first because he had been deemed ‘high risk’ with a past history of seizures during withdrawal. Antipsychotics were added preemptively because he also had a history of violent dissociative episodes associated with hallucinations. Antidepressants were added just for good measure, mostly, although he had never disclosed just how incredibly low he had gotten last time.

A knock at the door startled Dean terribly,

“Come in!” Dean squeaked, his throat going dry.

“Hi, Dad,” John mumbled entering the room followed by Cas.

“We brought you pie, and Emma made you a card…” John placed a small package on Dean’s lap.

“I’m so glad you agreed to come.” Dean smiled. He really was glad to see John and was fighting back tears.

“How’s the leg?” Cas asked trying to keep the conversation going.

“Oh, that... Six to eight weeks in the cast if I’m lucky, apparently my immune system is a little out of wack so it could be longer…” Dean trailed off thinking about how he had to be pushed around in a damn wheelchair now; because detox was messing with his equilibrium and he couldn’t do crutches without falling over.

“But, but you're getting better right!?” John almost shouted.

‘Loaded question’ Dean thought to himself.

“Yes, Dad’s leg is going to get better. And he has been sober six days now, and that a really big thing, I am so proud of him for that. I know he is trying this time John.” Cas spoke with an unprecedentedly even tone in his voice.

John sighed, as he stood up and moved closer to Dean’s bed.

“You're never, really going to get better though, because Alcoholism is a disease…?” John whispered the last couple words while intensely staring at his Dad.

Dean bit his lip and nodded sadly.

What happened next, Dean had not been expecting. John climbed into Dean’s bed and forced him into a hug, much like he had done so many times as a much smaller child.

“But you are trying, this time, Dad?” John finally inquired.

Oh god. When had John grown up so much? He was still supposed to be a kid and not all worried about his poor excuse for a father detoxing in hospital… Dean felt overwhelmed by the realization that history was definitely repeating itself.

“Yes, John. I am, really really trying.” As the words left his mouth, Dean couldn’t help but feel like he was mostly attempting to convince himself.

“Ok, well, I’m here for you.“ John shrugged a little before resting his head contently on his Dean’s shoulder.


	10. Chapter 10

On day Thirteen, Dean checked himself out of detox against medical advice. He figured he was past the worst of withdrawal; He was also beginning to get a little paranoid about being sent to rehab after having been visited by the on-call psychiatrist some two days earlier. Plus, Cas had expressed interest in bringing Emma by for a visit; Dean feared this would very likely spiral into an unwanted conversation about alcohol addiction version 2.0. Dean just wanted his kids to be kids, and not have to deal with all that other shit as he had.

Before Dean knew it, he was standing on crutches outside of at his shared apartment with Garth, clutching a trash bag full of his belongings and a prescription for antidepressants. He flinched while reaching for the door and remembering just how much alcohol was still there, waiting for him, inside.

Then he thought of John, and how heartbroken the kid would be if Dean slipped up again; He thought of Cas, things were still rocky between them but there had been a moment, a loving glance that had been shared briefly during their last visit.

Dean sighed heavily, ‘I can do this!” He thought.

He unlocked the front door and dropped his stuff in a pile. He yanked the kitchen trash to his room and sought out every bottle he could think of before smashing them violently into the can. He returned the can to the kitchen and opened the fridge frantically scanning for beer, fortunately, there were none left.

 

***

Cas was in the middle of battling a particularly nasty grass stain on John’s soccer jersey when his phone rang.

“Dean? Is everything ‘ok’?” Cas asked his voice taught with concern.

“Yeah Cas, I’m good actually. But I wanted you to hear it from me first… I checked myself out of detox.” Dean explained calmly.

Cas sighed loudly into the phone, he shook his head to himself. ‘So close’ He thought.

“What’s your plan, Dean?” Cas asked finally, thick exasperation in his tone.

“I’m gonna stay sober Cas. Its been more than two weeks…” Dean trailed off knowing that Cas wanted a specific plan of action that he simply didn’t have yet.  
“Uh-huh!” The words slipped out sounding colder than Cas had intended.

“I’m serious, I don’t want to die of liver failure like… I want to be around for you and the kids. I want to see you and the kids, please Cas?” Anxiety was raising in Dean’s chest and he could sense Cas’s budding irritation and disappointment with him.

“Ok,” Cas said quietly at last.

“Really? Can we, this Wednesday?” Dean asked gleefully.

“Ok. But Dean, this doesn’t change… You and I are still on a break, you get that right? I don’t want the kids to be confused.” Cas replied solemnly.

“Yeah. Ok, Cas. I get it. I miss you though.” Dean clicked off his phone and slumped back onto his futon, they could figure out details via text.

‘How stupid am I?’ he thought to himself. Of course, Cas wasn’t just going to let him back into his life because Dean was sober all of a sudden. Dean had really fucked EVERYTHING up this time and he knew it.

 

***

Dean decided to stop taking the antidepressants, mostly feeling that all of this new pain and sadness, was something he very much deserved. It was Saturday afternoon, day sixteen and Dean had yet to really get out of bed when there was a knock at his bedroom door.

“Hey, hey! Dean-o-rean-o!” Garth called out before peaking inside Dean’s room.

“I think somebody is in dire need of a rooftop meeting!?” Garth gestured, pipe in hand.

“Yeah, I really shouldn't do that…” Dean mumbled back.

Without asking, Garth came all the way into Dean’s room and sat down at the foot of the futon.

“Have you not heard of medicinal mari-juana?” Garth asked poking at Dean’s cast.

“Listen, Garth. I’m an Alcoholic, ok? I just finished like almost two weeks of detox in a hospital; Because I was so far gone that doing it by myself would have pretty likely killed me.” Dean felt his face flush at the sudden admission to his friend, embarrassment and guilt were coiling up inside and he felt like he was gonna cry.

“Hey.” Garth soothed catching Dean’s eye.

“Hey, it's ok… But just to consider, there have been like actual studies…” Garth trailed off reaching into his back pocket before handing Dean a printout.

“Actual studies that show medical benefits of treating alcoholism with cannabis!” Garth announced.

Dean bit his lip and felt taken aback that his roommate had been researching on all this on behalf.  
‘Geez, I really must seem like a total drunk for him to go find all this…’ A single tear fell down his cheek at the thought of how pathetic he was.

“Dean, one hit —Just to take the edge off, ok? And I promise I won’t let you drink afterward or ever!” Garth reached out to help Dean up.

Dean righted himself on his crutches and followed Garth to the freight elevator and beyond the roof.

 

***

 

“Dean Winchester! I have never seen you eat so much salad in one sitting! Are you feeling alright?” Cas asked with a smirk hovering at the corner of his lips.

“Its— Crunchy!?” Dean shrugged and smiled back at Cas, creamy salad dressing lingering on his chin.

Cas had tried to put it off a family visitation as long as possible, mostly out of fear that Dean would surely relapse sooner rather than later. So now, sitting alongside his still sober (thirty days now) husband, Cas was trying to allow himself to feel hopeful if not happy. They were all at a bbq place right near their house, it had once been a frequent location for date nights. There was a really fantastic playground and the kids were eagerly working off any anxieties they may have had about the meal while chasing after each other playfully.

When the food came, Cas gathered the kids back to the table and everyone enjoyed pulled chicken sandwiches, ribs, lemonade and of course salad.  
Cas kept peeking at Dean as he ate and laughed with their kids. He seemed to be in really good spirits, listening to and inviting affection from both Emma and John.

“Can we play just a little longer? Daddies??” Emma asked when she had finished eating, her eyes darting between Cas and Dean.

“Yeah, I suppose,” Cas replied eyeing a tired-looking John who immediately rolled his eyes at Cas before chasing off after his sister.

“They seem like their doing really good, Cas. And, I know that’s all because of you.” Dean sighed resting his chin on his hands and staring back at Cas.

“Thanks.” Cas murmured, trying not to get caught gazing back at Dean.

“I’ll go back to therapy, couples therapy even… I’ll do whatever you want me to do Cas.” As he spoke he reached out and tried to take Cas’s hand in his.

“I want us to be a family again, I NEED you to be part of my life again!” Dean pleaded.

Cas let out a long breath he hadn’t even known he was holding onto. He allowed Dean to take his hand, and he allowed himself to get lost staring into Dean’s beautiful green eyes.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like there should have been some smut here. But I lack the confidence to write that so fluff instead...

Cas had reluctantly agreed to try dating his husband again, if Dean would try AA. Dean had grumbled to Garth about the arrangement, trying to express just how thoroughly creeped out he was at the prospect of sitting in some smelly church basement, full of weirdos, drinking crap coffee and spilling his guts…

Getting stoned beforehand had been Garth’s idea, he had even offered to tag along to the meetings and keep Dean company. While Dean felt a small pang of guilt regarding his lax in sobriety for smoking, he welcomed the camaraderie. Smoking weed regularly as a thirtysomething had not been a life goal for Dean, but it did seem to help curb cravings and quiet the voices in his mind that would gladly have him relapse and fall right back into a bottle.

Dean tried to focus on the positives; He had been alcohol-free for forty-five days and counting, he had managed to attend two separate AA meetings (albeit stoned but not noticeably) and most importantly, there was a date night with Cas planned for the end of the month. Dean’s life was moving forward once again.

He was also becoming a habitual stoner, buying pot from Garth nowadays in addition to a portable vaporizer and smoking up a least three times a day. He found himself stocking up on eye drops, deodorizing sprays and breath mints for his probational return to office duties at Bobby’s Garage. Dean was also getting a bit rounder around the edges he had noticed; Between his broken leg, the sedentary office work and constantly having the munchies… But he hadn’t slipped up on the drinking yet, so he decided to take it all as ‘A Win’.

***

“Dean? Dean!” Cas reached across the table and placed a hand on Dean’s arm.

“Uh-huh… Sorry, I think I’m slipping into a food coma, this was a great restaurant choice Cas.” Dean grinned at Cas, and took his hand.

“You look kind of tired? Should we call it night?” Cas wondered aloud.

“You could come back to my place…” Dean trailed off trying not to sound too leading or desperate. It was only their second date and he knew that pushing Cas to quickly into anything wouldn’t end well for them.

Sure enough, Cas tilted his head and eyed Dean suspiciously.

“I mean… It is right nearby, it's walkable?” Dean inputted quickly as he stood up and steadied himself.

Cas felt a pang of guilt looking over Dean’s tall frame hunched over his crutches; He knew that his husband really was trying so hard after all.

“Alright, but no shenanigans, Dean Winchester!” Cas smiled while snaking an arm around his husband's waist.

It was early June and the evenings were gradually getting longer, as they walked together they moved slowly and didn't feel particularly rushed about anything. Dean leaned into Cas, remembering how many times they had been together, simply, just the two of them. He’d missed this so damn much. He’d missed Cas, so damn much. Dean could feel a warmth swelling deep in his chest, accompanied by the nagging of butterflies just like when they had first met.

***

Cas had not intended to sleep with his husband just yet. He had thought that they would “date” for a while, ease back into things and hopefully return to couples counseling once Dean was really motivated to do so. Granted, Cas hadn’t completely expected Dean to actually embrace his newfound sobriety either. Cas had, very intentionally, in fact, tried to lock his heart away from Dean as an attempt at maintaining some sort of self-preservation. So now, suddenly faced with the opportunity to spend any small amount of intimate time with his husband, Cas simply wasn’t prepared.

It had to be that damn twinkle in Dean’s oh so green eyes, the arrogant smirk curling around his lips and lastly the light kiss on the back of Cas’s neck. In no time, Cas found himself texting Sam and Jess to see if the kids could stay longer and sleepover. Fortunately, when it came down to the awkwardness of actual sex, their make-out session had turned into cuddling and then spooning and then simply falling asleep.

Cas had slept lightly, startling himself awake around 4 AM. For a moment he was lost in the new surroundings until Dean’s light snoring brought him back. Cas laid on his side and contemplated all the roads that had lead him here, to this very point in time. He gazed intently at Dean’s sleeping figure, eying over the shapes of his strong body. His wide shoulders, muscular arms, and those long, bow legs hopelessly tangled in the sheets. Cas sighed heavily, knowing that no matter what happened from this point forward, that he would always love Dean Winchester.


	12. Chapter 12

Dean awoke to the sound of a hacking cough and eventual vomit. As he sat up he was horrified to see Cas both falling off of his futon and then twitching uncontrollably, in what could only be a seizure.

“No! No, no, no!” He shouted, leaping onto the floor and attempting to steady Cas’s head in his lap.  
Cas’s body slowly began to relax.

“Cas? Castiel?” Dean whispered, lightly running his hand through Cas’s sweaty hair.

“Deee-Nnn” Cas’s speech was slurred, and his mouth moved lazily over the syllables. And then again, without any warning, a second seizure occurred but lasting longer this time.

“GARTH! Garth!?” Dean began yelling, praying that his roommate was actually in the apartment.

Sure enough, Garth stuck his head inside Dean’s room but wearing a slightly more dazed than usual expression on his face.

“Oooh… That looks like a bad trip…” Garth trailed off.

“Bad trip!? What the fuck, Garth?” Dean growled.

“From the pot brownies...? Your Hubby had, like, two— before I could warn him!” Garth swayed in the doorway for a moment.

“So, I’ll call an ambulance, and you get him DOWNSTAIRS and OUTSIDE!” Garth answered himself, gesturing dramatically as he spoke.

Great! Dean thought to himself while trying to force all of his guilt and anxiety down as deeply as possible. Just when he was starting to really get his shit together, Fucking Garth had to go and poison Cas!

 

***

 

“What. The. Hell. Dean!” Sam snarled under his breath.

The ambulance ride had easily been, the worst experience of Dean’s life recently. Getting to the emergency room and being unable to answer basic questions like his husband’s possible allergies or potential drug interactions, had filled him with a deepening shame. And now, facing off with Sam (who incidentally had been able to report the two antidepressants Cas was on) was only further proving to Dean that, he really was the stupider, more broken and fucked up brother.

Dean wanted to B line to the nearest bar, completely give up on himself and drown all possibilities of ever getting his family back. He wanted to be swallowed up by the bowels of hell; Willing endure all impending tortures that awaited him because really, he deserved all of it. But instead, he got Sam looming over him, shaking with anger while also on the verge of tears. Disappointment radiated in waves off of his younger brother, filling the room and eliminating the oxygen supply.

“If Castiel wants to divorce you after this, and keep the kids? I will support him, hell, I’ll represent him pro bono!” Sam sceathed.

Escaping all of this, his mess would be nearly impossible with Sam in the room. Knowingly, Dean lowered his gaze resting his head in his hands.

 

***

 

Around midday, Sam was noticeably exhausted, he excused himself and left to find coffee. But just before Dean could make a break for it, he heard his voice being called.

“Mr. Winchester?” A lanky pale-faced Doctor called out into the lobby.

“Here!” Dean croaked, raising to his feet and hobbling over to meet the Doctor.

“Ah, Mr. Winchester. Ok, we have pumped Castiel’s stomach and started him on IV fluids. He is responding better than expected, but still a little bit out of it from the interaction between the diazepam and the, uh, marijuana… But so far no signs of brain damage, you can come on back and visit him now.”

Brain damage? Fuck. This could have been so much worse. Dean bit his lip and trailed obediently behind the doctor to Cas’s room. What would he even ever do without Cas, Dean’s mind spiraled. A drunk, a stoner, and a fuckup, he couldn’t raise his kids alone. Sam wouldn’t even allow it, come to think of it, if any of this had gone just a little bit differently Dean would likely be facing time in jail right now. But more importantly, how would Dean be able to keep going without Cas? He just couldn’t, wouldn’t want to try even.

Cas looked so small lying in his hospital bed, he was all hooked up to an IV as well as some wires monitoring his heart. Dean took one look at him and knew that he couldn’t run away this time.


	13. Chapter 13

Dean stayed by Cas’s bedside all day and into the night. He watched Cas breathing, taking comfort in the steady evenness of it. Nurses came in periodically to check on Cas, re-hang IVs and check his vitals. He was stable but he still wasn’t awake. Dean’s guilt had subsided into panic followed by dread, sure everyone kept telling him Cas would be ‘ok’, but when had Dean ever had luck like that? In the early afternoon, Cas began mumbling to himself and twitching ever so slightly. Dean’s heart stopped and after pressing the call button repeatedly he fled Cas’s room to flag down the nearest nurse. Out of his mind with worry, Dean began shaking almost uncontrollably, this was it Cas was going to Die.

“I think he’s dreaming actually.” The Nurse soothed, cautiously placing a hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“What?” Dean flinched away.

“Your husband is ‘ok’ Mr. Winchester, he’s just dreaming.” The Nurse smiled politely at Dean before leaving the room.

***

“I dunno Dean, that cat looks depressed…” Cas eyed the fluffy grey cat suspiciously.

“Yeah, well their all depressed Cas, its the animal shelter.” Dean carefully placed a finger through the cat kennel and Cas was amazed that the kitten began to fiercely lick at Dean.

“See she’s not depressed, just a little bit skeptical and standoffish. But we can understand that right?” Dean’s eyes met Cas’s pleading sheepishly on behalf of this particular cat.

“Alright. I’ll go find someone and see what we need to do to adopt her…” Cas chuckled to himself at the thought of Dean secretly being a cat guy after all. He walked down the long hallway in search of a shelter employee Cas before being overcome with the strangest feeling of Dega Vu.

Just as he really began to think about it though, he realized that he wasn’t wearing his usual trench coat and suit. No, he’s wearing a short-sleeved polo shirt and tight khakis? He wasn’t at the animal shelter anymore either, he was in his high school gymnasium? And it was all decorated with banners and balloons and faintest sound of BoysIIMen playing somewhere in the distance.

Cas looked around, realizing that he was trying to find his older sister Anna. After spotting her nearby, he headed her way and stood beside her.

“Oh my gosh! Castiel! Could you be more embarrassing? Nobody will ask me to dance when I’m with my little brother!? Just go get some punch or something!” Anna stormed off and Cas eyed the punch and snacks on the opposite side of the gym.

He felt weird, dejected and awkward, he picked up a cup and started to fill it with the orangish-red kool-aid like beverage but then stopped.

“Umm, I wouldn’t drink that If I were you!” A deep voice warned him.

“Huh?” Cas turned around suddenly, punch toppling over onto the floor.

“I uh, wouldn’t drink that… Every year the Seniors spike it with whatever alcohol they can get their hands on. So think vodka and wine coolers all mixed together. That stuff is guaranteed to make you puke!” The other boy smiled at Cas, he had the deepest greenest eyes and Cas couldn’t help smiling back shyly.

“Dean Winchester,” The boy exclaimed, sticking his hand out to shake Cas’s.

“Now if you do want a nip of something to take the edge off, I have my own right here.” Dean bragged patting his chest pocket.

“ I shouldn’t…” Cas trailed off, he couldn’t quite remember fully but there was something he was supposed to be doing right now? He smiled to himself anyway and continued to flirt with Mr. Gorgeous eyes…

“C’ mon Cas, Its Prom everyone gets drunk at Prom! Its why we have a hotel room waiting for us upstairs, well, that and other reasons…” Dean winked at Cas and pulled him in close, Cas could feel Dean’s breath on the back of his neck and his heart flip-flopped as he took a swig out of the flask. Dean Winchester was not one for subtleties.

And then they were and dancing, wearing matching tuxes crowded amongst their classmates. Cas felt overwhelmed with happiness, he was exactly where he wanted to be, safe in Dean’s arms. The evening began to blur, tipsy and giggling Cas and Dean made their way back to their hotel room. Cas fell back onto the bed and he tried to hold onto every detail of the evening; the warmth in his chest, the softness of the bed… Dean puking in the bathroom?

“I’m fine, I’m fine, now Cas. Don't you worry about me…” Dean voiced faded away to a whisper.

Cas rolled off the bed and headed into the bathroom which has suddenly become his college dorm room. Dean was on the floor covered in sweat and vomit, with an eerily distant look in his eyes.

“Dean, it is ok I’m here!” Cas whispered while trying to wrap Dean up in a fleece throw from off the bed.

“Did you see it, Cas?” Dean asked frantically, scooting himself backwards into the corner of the room.

“See what Dean?” Cas looked around but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

“Oh! There it is again!? Cas, I think our dorm room might be haunted!” Dean’s voice was timid and small, and Cas could see that he was desperately trying to make his large frame appear as small as possible.

Tears now, guilt, regret. Cas hadn’t known what would happen when he dared Dean to quit drinking cold turkey. They were only 19 how could he possibly have known about the side effects of disrupting Dean’s little vice? Which as it turned out was actually pretty severe. Cas put his hand over his mouth and tried to stifle a sob as he watched the ambulance taking Dean away. He had no rights to accompany him either.

He felt like he was drowning all of a sudden, how could he have taken Dean for granted and pushed him away? Why hadn’t he remembered how bad it had gotten that one time? Memories flooded Cas over and over again. Dean had barely made it out of detox alive and then he had gotten so depressed during rehab that he had nearly ended his own life before his family had gotten him out.

“What have I done? Oh, what have I done?” Cas cried out despite being alone.

“…You make me want to be the best version of myself that I can be. I cannot promise you that our marriage will always be an easy one, but I know in my heart with one hundred percent certainty that we will always be stronger together, come what may!” Dean’s deep and steady voice rang through Cas’s ears suddenly.

He looked around and was somewhat surprised to find himself at his wedding reception about to toast sparkling cider with Dean. Cas’s eyes began to overflow with tears, but happiness? Maybe not quite, and despite the familiar surroundings, Cas had this anxious nagging feeling that he is definitely supposed to be someplace else…

 

***

The afternoon turned into evening and the Sun hung low in the sky. Cas was still dreaming, but now there were tears, was he crying? Dean stood up and unsteadily and paced back and forth, torn between wanting to call the Nurse but also not wanting to be labeled as “that crazy husband”. So instead he took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair before sitting down again.

“Cas, its gonna be ok,” Dean’s voice cracked a little and he took his husband’s hand into his.

“Dean, I love you. I love you too much and I’m sorry…” Cas murmured as he stirred into consciousness.

“What could you even have to be sorry for? God, I’m just so glad you awake!” Dean sat down next to Cas in his bed and hugged into him and resting his chin in the crook of his neck.

“Where am I?” Cas asked blinking as his eyes adjusted to the light.

“Umm, at the Hospital?” Dean grimaced and looked away.

“My roommate kind of poisoned you with a pot brownie and it all interacted with your meds and…” Dean was blindsided with guilt once more as he prepared to be dumped, but for good this time. His mind began to spiral quickly into darkening thoughts of a life without Castiel in it. He bit his lip hard, trying to remember the nearest bar; formulating a plan to get so shit-faced that he wouldn’t be able to think, feel or even exist at all.  
But then suddenly Dean is ripped out of this nightmare by none other than Cas. A small chuckle began to bloom into a deep and full-bodied laugh, tears began steaming down Cas’s face but this time they were happy ones.

“Your roommate poisoned me with a pot brownie!? Maybe it really is time for you to come home then?” Cas glanced over at his husband with the biggest grin on his face and Dean couldn't help but smile back.

“If you’ll still have me?” Dean asked quietly his voice trembling.

Cas leaned in and kissed Dean then, allowing himself to get lost in the moment right now. As the grogginess and Deja vu were beginning to fade he was still able to hold onto all of the memories of safeness within Dean’s strong embrace. Cas was done being apart from the man he loved, and while he knew that Dean’s Alcoholism would always be there hovering in the background. He also knew that they really were so much stronger together than apart. Cas could be committed to loving Dean, flaws and all, even if it meant taking things one day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, hopefully this was a happy enough ending to contrast with all of the angst? Contemplating, making it into a series maybe or just adding more of an epilogue at some point, we will see...


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